Brothers in A(lar)ms
Wednesday, June 13 : 8:09 AM : 0 comments :
Leslie forwarded me an email from a friend of hers who just went through a similar life event much like I did a few weeks ago. Since then, I've been running around the country trying to put out forest fires, explain to people what happened, and trying to make sense of it all. Here's the thing: this guy, Frank, wrote in his email, "A True Confession," almost exactly what I would write. I mean, his experiences sound exactly like mine. Finding a true purpose, seeing his friends and family, feeling like he's on top of the world.I mean, listen to this line from his writing: "Some of you here in NYC and other places are aware that this experience has involved my inability to function in a normal manner in terms of eating and sleeping." I'm not sure how his friends and family reacted but hopefully I'll be in email contact enough with Frank to find out.
What does it mean that there's an actual medical term for this? And that someone (relatively) close has experienced the same thing recently? What it means to me, for right now, is that it's definitely not an event unique to me. In fact, it's probably very common. Does that mean it's a medical condition? A reaction to stress? An aberration? I'm not sure. But it's nice to know that I'll have someone to compare notes with. Along those lines, it also makes me really wary of any discoveries and assumptions I've made before. It's like finding a lucky penny, treasuring it, but then seeing a whole sidewalk full of lucky pennies in front of you. What's your penny worth now?
Here's some excerpts from his email, an email that I could have written, and probably should have.
"Here are some of you who have been around in the past 6 days to witness what was for me the most intense, agonizing, joyous, painful, cathartic, anxious, desperate experience I've ever had. The medical term for this is a mixed state. I guess my neuropsychologist was right, as he had predicted such an event many years ago. Some of you who witnessed it were probably rightfully disturbed by certain aspects. I was too, although I knew it would happen even before it did, because I've been living with this for a very long time.
Despite feeling almost out of mind at times, I would never trade that experience for anything because through it I have found out the most important things one can ever discover about themselves. Who I Am, and Why I Am Here. Who I Am is a Guardian, and Why I Am Here is to help my family.
My Family
From now on I will not be making any distinction between family and friends. Anyone who I love and who loves me is my family. Period. Genetics don't, and really never did, matter.
My raison d'etre is to love/serve my family. I've always known this was the most important thing to me, but maybe you didn't because I didn't tell you, so I'm telling you all now. The accumulated pain of my family rejecting my assistance is what lead to my breakdown. If you won't allow me to help you I literally can't live. I know because I've tried. So, please, allow me to love/serve you. That's what makes me happy. Helping you be happy makes me want to live.
There are perhaps 40 people on this list and it is sure to grow, but most of you have never met. Most of you can't see what I see which is that I have a family of the most amazing, talented, brilliant people-scattered all around the world. And I mean each of you. That's what I've seen in you, and have always seen in you. I need for you all to believe in me and trust me like I believe and trust in you. I can say that if you know my family you know I cannot fail, because they won't let me.Je t'aime
I realize now that although there are so many of you that I love more than myself but I never said those words to you. We'll, now you'll hear me say those words often, and I mean them every time. If you allow me to love/serve you I know we can all come up -- we can all be happy.
I want to assure you all that the manic state is over, I am more calm and clear than I've been in a long time, because now I'm happy."
