The Golden Compass
Thursday, June 21 : 5:40 PM : 0 comments :
"I find out what I really want by seeing what I do. That's what we all do, if we're honest about it. We have our feelings, we make our decisions, but in the end we look back on our lives and see how sometimes we ignored our feelings, while most of our decisions were actually rationalizations because we had already decided in our secret hearts before we ever recognized it consciously."
-Children of the Mind, Orson Scott Card-
Here's the thing I've gathered from my own recent experiences and numerous talks with friends on both coasts. People are starting to find themselves, people are starting to, as cliche as it sounds, "Follow their heart." Most people I know pride themselves on being very rational beings. Decisions are made based on "What's right for me and what makes the most sense." That's how I approached things anyway. I mean, Rand says "Be rational," so I've tried to be. But being rational has turned into "rational(ize) everything."Lately, the pendulum is definitely swinging the other way. We know what we want to do, we know what our "secret heart" tells us to do, and we're finally doing it -- or at least I'm trying to do it. I used to question why I'm attracted to one activity over another, one type of movie/book over another, one type of person versus another. I've been trying to figure out good reasons for why I like things. I tried to rationalize it all out. Sadly, it doesn't quite work that way. In the end, I like it because I like it; no (logical) reasons have to exist.
This insight goes against everything I previously thought. I mean, to a certain extent, I've been very aware that I always end up only doing what I want to do -- Rand also says "Be selfish." But I've often done these things under the guise of helping others, of doing it in the interests of other people. But keep it real, I do things because I want to do them. As Joey proved to Phoebe (paraphrased), "You can't help anyone without helping yourself."
This is all fine. We're old enough to not live under the delusion that there are entirely selfless acts. It may sound cynical and world-weary but every action -- given the proper context and a broad enough viewpoint -- is selfish and that's how it should be. On that point I'm still fully on-board with Rand.What I'm done doing is rationalizing. I want to remain rational but stop using excuses to make it seem like I'm doing something other than what I'm doing. I think I've always known what I was doing while I'm doing it; what I haven't always done is communicate to people (or fully admit to myself) exactly why I do something. I mean, once you start doing that, you open up ugly sides of yourself right? Oh well, live and let live.
In a way, I feel like I'm regressing. I read once about how our brains are really human brains layered over animal brains. Animals are programmed to react naturally. The advantage humans have is that we can choose logic over instinct. We are able to choose courses of action that don't coincide with what we feel. Everyone has natural emotions and reflexes that are bred into us over millions of years but humans can override that because... well, we're humans. Mind over matter as it were.
Well, now I'm all about heart over mind. I'm not sure if this is the best way to go, to attempt to swing from one extreme to the other, but so far, it's working out nicely -- with a few bumps here and there. It's only been a test phase but I feel good about following my instincts and not bothering to rationalize things out. I'll keep you posted when disaster (inevitably) strikes.
