Do or do not, there is no try...

In our world, there are very few truths, very few. By truth, I mean something rock hard and solid, always unchanging, like the laws of science, but without the exceptions. What many of us consider as "true," is actually "perception." Is truth relative? We have cultural relativism, religious relativism, moral relativism, why not scientific relativism? Relativism meaning, that everyone gets to define their own belief, one of the interesting side effects of our democratic ideals, nobody is wrong! But nobody is right either... Its the whole, mutilation of female genitalia as a time honored cultural tradition, or the federal support and subsidizing of abortion clinics as a means to reduce their fiscal responsibilities to the welfare state, the carte blanche monetary transfer to a certain rogue state with very real and dangerous weapons of mass destruction in order to obtain the semblance of detente for domestic political gain and that neat little nobel prize in your pocket.

Weave and mix this tangled web, and tie knots with everything involved so that it ends up as a general mass of apathy. If you notice, that people who believe strongly in a given topic, choose to disentangle themselves from many viewpoints, and paint their perspective in a very very polar view. You have to, or else be drawn straight towards the middle of the muck.

To quote from a certain jedi master, because, yeah I'm cool like that, "you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view." And everyone has, their own point of view.

[ esca | 10:13 AM | ]

 

Speaking tendencies

Personally, when I speak to one person, its a different feeling compared to when I speak with two people. My mind views them as completely different tasks and approaches.

Some people speak well only with positive personal feedback, eye contact, head nods, verbal cues, body language, I think I'm one of them. I suppose I always have horror images of myself speaking and the other person falling asleep, figuratively. Its different when I speak to groups however, as my mindset switches. I don't really need the feedback, and in fact, am the one giving it. The voice in my head starts accelerating through the different checks I've become accustomed to. Remember to give 1.5 seconds of eye contact before moving to the next person. Make them feel like they are involved. Use vocal inflections to make a point, vary speeds while speaking, lean forward at appropriate moments. I suppose my mind becomes too occupied to think about how well I'm "doing" in front of the crowd.

Not only that, group speaking situations tend not to require as much awareness of an individuals responses. A person is less likely to interrupt or respond directly than in a one on one conversation. Therefore, the receptive part of my brain that's set aside for receiving input, is much smaller. Also I think I just have a higher degree of self confidence when it comes to public speaking.

The strange thing I notice, is that I sometimes fall into "speech" mode with specific people, even in one on one situations. Everyone at work for instance, my boss, my co-workers, probably everyone except Joe, since he was my roommate for a while. I find this is usually the case with non-asians. My good friend Matt, who was one of the first people I met on that first fateful day at dartmouth, I use a lot of speaking habits that I don't bring out when speaking to my old high school friends.

I've also realized, that age and sex vary the way I naturally speak. I give the polite "higher" voice to asian elders. It just comes out, naturally. I notice this is a common trait in many asian males as well. Vu in particular, very extreme case. Speaking in a rising tone as to imply deference. Maybe that's why the parents "love" me. Maybe the positive reinforcement I receive after the fact causes me to continue it.

The way I talk with guys and girls is also completely different. Although that is not really as automatic or distinct as the age thing. Does speaking style change with emotion? Maybe, I remember I could tell when Liz would be guarded against me, because her very distinct long island new yorkish accent would come out. As opposed to the higher more childish voice when I was in her good graces, without the accent. Sheeps.

Which is all very interesting because, supposedly - "When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say." I think I might have even quoted or sourced this before. You can say nothing, but wax eloquently and get favorable responses. Or just be attractive.

[ esca | 10:30 AM | ]

 

Its Big, Its Huge, Its Mammoth...

I have a raccoon eyes, and a rudolph nose, but don't really care as I spent the weekend carving up the slopes of Mammoth. ^_^ Last run of the season. Pretty impromptu on my part at least, as my planning for the trip consisted of asking the day before if there was any extra room. I also remember being up till about 5 the day before thinking that maybe I should sleep because I'll need to get up soon. Anyways, it was great, we trekked up to LA from SD, and then from LA to Mammoth. Just like every other road trip, we used up all our wiper fluid, as its a custom for the lead car in our caravan to rain down fluid on the cars behind. We packed movies, video games, x-men monopoly, sleeping bags, boards and wax. We stayed at nicely priced if not snug two floor condo, where the snuggness came in part from packing seven people in. Five guys, all starting with J, except from me, Jon, James, Jimmy, and Jeff. Two girls, Nancy and Lynn.

On a side note, I realized, that I act differently around people when I first meet them, depending on the circumstances. I think, I *like* to meet new people, but realize that meeting new people uses up a finite set of energy that I have. Basically, when I meet new people, one of the first few things I consider, is this going to be a single-serving meeting? Like from Fight Club. I suppose everyone thinks about this to a certain degree, but vary in approach. Anyways, the point is, I had met both Lynn and Jeff I think once before on separate occasions, but honestly don't remember too much. I think I had filed them away into the "deletable memory cache." That one always gets to me, that after having so "categorized" them, to end up seeing them again. Leaves myself in the quasi awkward state of, should I introduce myself again? They were both pretty friendly though.

The trip was really fun, definitely a good break from work and from things that have been on my mind lately. Good clean immature fun in the face of growing responsibilities. There's very little that compares in this world to riding down a hill with a pack of friends. Feels like you're in a motorcycle gang, except maybe on snowboards. Fun stuff. The extra curricular away from snowboarding was really interesting. Usually, when I go on trips, most of what we do centers around the boarding.

For instance, about halfway through the first day, we decided to grab some beers and stake out a spot on the side of a hill over looking the terrain park. We chilled there drinking and smoking and watching other people do tricks and calling out scores. Jon kept calling out 1's when people fell. We starting giving people names too, there was "orange pants" who could pull off 540s. There was "clown guy" who was dressed in a bright red clown suit that would get ridiculous air and pull off what Lynn termed as "poses" and what the rest of the world calls tricks. We were tossing back 24s when people from the gondola actually starting yelling at us. "Hey you guys aren't 21, what are you doing?" Very funny.

I actually ended up getting really woozy afterwards, as a combination of hunger, thirst, and then trying to drink beers. It was fun for about one or two runs, and then it was just painful. It felt like my legs were rubberish and lacked any power whatsoever. That's probably how I ended up getting so burnt as I remember just sprawling out over the snow and soaking up the sun, and having that strange sensation of being baked on top, and frosted underneath.

Afterwards, we went to eat at a place called Slocumb Grill, and nothing tastes better or feels more satisfying than a big chunk of red meat when your body is calorie starved and there's a growing pit of hunger gnawing away at your stomach. When we got back, we watched some movies and then just relaxed, as everyone was beat. I figured out what Big Horse means in chinese too. I think everyone was ready to pass out at about 10, or when we finished Goldmember. James however, apparently appalled at our lack of energy, insisted we do something else, which meant another movie. That was the pass out movie, however, as everyone pretty much feel asleep during it.

On the second day, which was easter, we were in general more *well behaved* and spent a more relaxed effort boarding as the vast majority of us were stiff and ailing. We spent a good amount of that day, watching people, including James and Jeff, skim pond. We've got pictures and movie clips too! Somewhere...

Skim ponding is the coolest idea ever. 91 ft long pool of water at 37 degree temperature. The point of which is shoot straight down from the hill and hit the water as fast as you can on your board or skis. If you're going fast enough, and have the balance, you'll surf all the way to the end and escape the water. If you're not, well, you get to see what 37 degree water feels like in the snow. James and Jeff both tried it with James making it almost completely to the end, and Jeff splashing about halfway. The whole thing was hilarious.

Kids I noticed, can be down right evil. Haha, or at least, that kids can do some questionable things and not get reprimanded for. For instance, after a few of the contestants started coming down the hill, it became the thing to throw snowballs at them. Pretty soon, tons and tons of little kids lined up on the side of the ski way and took turns pegging everyone as they came down. A lot of people got hit in the face, and one guy got hit and fell down. Which really sucks, because it all but ensures that you won't have enough speed to make it to the end. Interestingly enough, the guy got back on and rode straight into the water, only going a couple of feet. James got tagged hard in the stomach and was actually riding down the hill protecting his crotch.

The Japanese boarders were in my opinion the best. They seemed to have so much style and were so fearless. Especially the Japanese girls, in fact, except for a ski team, they were the only females to try the event. Plus they all stripped as they started down the hill. They would shoot down the hill, and then toss off their top as they started down, coming down in a bikini top or bra. One of them made it all the way to the end, pulled a 180 out of the water, walked in front of the judges, and hiked up her thong and gave a little wiggle. I thought that was interesting.

In any case, Jeff gets mad props because he ended up getting wet, changed, and then continued to ride with us. In my opinion, being wet, especially in cold weather, is one of the most miserable feelings, especially with wet clothes. I believe we were all content to leave at that point, but Jeff insisted that we continue to soak up the slopes. We spent the last couple of hours hitting jumps and just cruising.

The ride home was long and hard though, and meant getting back into my bed in the early morning just so I could wake up in the early morning to go to work. No regrets though. Interesting road trip conversations that might make it into another blog.

Good trip, good memories, blog away to read again someday.

[ esca | 9:03 AM | ]

 

Debating? Or masturbating…


At risk of stirring dissenting opinions, which maybe my ulterior motive all along, I'm going guns blazing smoke rising and going to bat for the good ol’ boys of Georgia. If any of you had followed the Masters, or keep up to date with current events, you may know about Martha Burk’s crusade to crack open the 70 year old private male membership logs of Augusta National Golf Club. Is she Demon or Saint?

Just to set the field, Augusta, is a private organization that actually resides in a state(Georgia) with no gender-based discrimination laws. Nor for that matter, are there federal laws either. I found that to be fairly interesting. Nevertheless, there is legal precedence for the dispersal of private all-male organizations, on the grounds that membership confers an unfair advantage to its members, i.e. Kiwanis and Rotary clubs. But I’m not here to paint the legal high ground, I want the whole bowl of wax. I want moral high ground to be on my side, and on the side of Augusta.

I think this issue can be painted from two different perspectives. In the search for both ideal and practical justice, I posit the following contentions.


First, is an organization that has an exclusive membership, innately unfair? Is there a moral or ethical principle that states all groups should share, or open everyone into their midst? One should note, that it is the very nature of any organization to confer privilege upon its members, but it is a privilege that derives from the abilities and make up of its constituency. A better standard and criteria for evaluating the “justice” in any associating body should be whether or not those privileges are conferred at the expense of excluded members. In the case of a golf club, members do not directly benefit at the expense of non-members. As a non-member, I don't sit at my desk counting the ways that I've recently been "fleeced" by Augusta.

Secondly, are there any advantages to single sex association? Are there certain conditions that only exist when males are only in the company of males, or when females are only in the company of females? Is it fair to say that a male, female, and coed environment are patently different, and involve distinct sets of social dynamics per case? Are these environments critical and beneficial? Is it possible that single sex organizations and environments actually foster better cross gender relationships? As counter intuitive as that may seem, there is a time and place where the sexes should and are separated. We maybe one in spirit and soul, but our bodies are different. Physical competitions are widely divided upon gender lines. Furthermore, there are many support networks and organizational groups that specifically and exclusively, target women.

I don't believe justice gets called into question for instance, when it comes to organizations that support female only environments. Time and time again, women have been allowed to associate exclusively because in part that exclusive membership into female organizations does not infringe upon the rights of the excluded party. For instance, at almost all major colleges and universities, there are specific "Women in Science" programs, that aim at promoting females and providing support for women that wish to pursue careers in science. Science being a field that historically as well as presently remains a male dominated field. Conventional wisdom is such organizations are ethically "sound." But is it really always the case?

I would have to say from my personal experience with this has been gray at best. I had applied to be the TA for an intro CS class at dartmouth. I thought it was a position that I would both enjoy, and be competent in. The position ended up going to another girl that had been in my class that didn't even want to be a CS major. This had somewhat shocked me, as I had obtained the highest grade in the class the quarter before. I went to see my professor and asked if he could tell me what I could have done to be a "better candidate." Perhaps I was just arrogant, but I felt it was my position to lose. My professor told me that despite my apparent "strength" with the course material, there were many other factors they used as criteria, one of which included visibility. As it was a strong department goal to promote women into what had always been a fairly male dominated field, and the nature of the class that was being taught, having a female TA would help to serve that purpose. At first when I heard that I was angered because, I had wanted the position and had basically been told that there wasn't a particular failing that I had committed except being born a male. Perhaps he was just trying to cheer me up, but I took it somewhat personally. That in an academic learning environment, something other than pure academics had left me on the short end of the stick.

Then again, I guess that's what really matters in this world of ongoing apathy. People don't really care until they've been the ones with the short end. I suppose that why many women take political stands on the issue of gender rights, because they know firsthand what it does mean to be the oppressed. I commend the cause, but I question this specific instance.

Which brings me back to the original point, does membership at an elitist golf club give an unfair comparative advantage to its members over the excluded parties? What do women really want or hope to gain? Personally, I can think of no direct advantage, although there might an overall political or symbolic statement that can be made.

I suppose, *that* is what I have issues with. Using something for political gain. Because that's what it really boils down to. How many women really care if guys have a guys night out? How many women really care if men go play golf with just men? However, phrase the whole thing as gender issue, as a Male vs Female issue, and that this is what you Woman, are not deemed worthy of by us Men, and its a whole new ballgame. I'm sure that there are a lot of women who want to just play golf, but in the eyes of the women that are smelling blood and are outraged that war in Iraq seems to get more ink than they do, its entirely a political issue.

Perhaps, it just seems "unfair" to the women because its a place where rich powerful elderly white men associate, and that smells of injustice. Look up the membership logs, and you’ll find the who’s who of billionaire CEOs and VIPs. Sure, its like some movie law, put enough white rich old men together, and you know something must be going down. Yet take away those elements, would the public eye even raise its symbolic eyebrow? If Augusta were a poorer minority dominated gentlemen's club? Who knows?

I'm sure I could start a "boys only under 25 with total net worth under $100" club and make it our prime objective to act disgusting and slobbish and never would a female want to intrude upon that. Hell, if I did that at a school I could call it a fraternity. I would ask whether or not women also feel that all male fraternities are a gender based exclusionary group. After all, fraternity connections carry weight in the business world, and that's a tradition that's many times older and longer than Augusta was even first conceived as a fledgling idea. Walk into an interview and find out your competition sports the same letters as the interviewer, and you'll know...

Let me step aside from my rhetoric and speak my feelings on the issue. I’m feeling, that maybe women are just afraid of the idea, that men don't really like them, on that amorphous "friendly" level. That once the guys become old and withered and want to play golf all day by themselves when that hormone incensed sex drive is gone, that they won't matter in the big picture. That women will be left behind, or replaced. That’s just foolish.

Is it even a point to argue that guys and girls think differently? Or there are some things in this world that males crave that women do not, and vice versa? As a guy, its difficult to understand the motivations and the hormones that physically affect another person, much less a female, and sometimes it might just be easier the accept the end result. Just deal with what happens instead of questioning how or why.

Maybe, that's all we really need to know. As a young adult male still searching for his mate, girls will dominate an unhealthy amount of our brain waves. It really does, and all things being equal, I think a lot of guys would willingly pass up on having this be the case. If I were to put my brain on "autopilot," and hence react upon every single instinctual feeling I had, I'd go around being the crude ass grabbing, skirt chasing, show-offy, chauvinistic male that all guys are deep down inside. I suppose that's why guys need their "alone" time with other guys, in the absence of female company. Its when we can turn off our brains and just be ourselves for a little time out of the day. Maybe that's why sometimes girls are not invited, because the presence of girls comprises our "brainless" activities. Guys always always always change their behavior if they think that there is a viable girl in the midst.

I would say that's a small price for girls to pay if they want to be accompanied by the charming witty gentlemen, give him a little recharge time to flush out the "ill" elements inside. Let boys be boys, and we'll come back as your shining knight at the end of the day.

[ esca | 12:44 PM | ]

 

"Real Fact" #84

Oysters can change from one gender to another and back again.


That's the very informative inscription under the cap of my Lime Green Tea Snapple. Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could all just be oysters?

[ esca | 12:35 PM | ]

 

Beware the Ides of...April?

Well that brutal period of my life called taxes is finally over with...

Wasn't so bad, and I even ended up ahead. I'm down about 90 on federal and up about 170 on state. So I guess that's a nice dinner that I can take someone out to, any takers? I do stipulate female...haha.

Anyways, taxes in general started me thinking about money related matters. I try not to think about money, or see things in terms of money maybe because I'm conscious of how some people do. I hate having "less" money than others, because that makes me feel inadequate. I hate having "more" money than others, because that makes me feel guilty. So I just don't think about money, good plan huh?

Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be rich. I mean, why not? You just played M.A.S.H and hoped to get the M and not the S. Money is promise, the universal standard, its the one thing that can turn into almost anything. While growing up, my parents instilled upon me money as a "positive," and something to work towards, with the implicit moral assumption that only good people had money. Naturally, the richer you are, the more good things and honest days of hard work you've must have put in. An asian variant of the Puritan work ethic.

I suppose I feel a little differently now that I'm steeped or mired into the "real" world and all its complicated machinery that flows when the cash does. If you hang around north county, you'll find in a really cozy part of town, Rancho Santa Fe. Its the unofficial/official creme de la creme of san diego. Apparently, even the US.(wait jon, don't you live there?) There's some really grand looking houses, and sometimes when you see them, you can't help but wonder, how does one ever get that much money? I think someone in the cafeteria summed it up nicely, granted tongue in cheek. He asked why would anyone in their right mind want to go buy a house in Rancho Santa Fe and get to live next to drug dealers. The average man could work hard for his entire life and still not see enough money for some of these houses. Are these people that live here, really that *far* above the average man? Or are they somehow cheating to get that?

What does it take to be wealthy? Wealthy on the Rockafeller, Trump, Gates level. How does one ever reach the upper echelon of rich? Is it luck? Is it perseverance? Does something *shady* have to go down?

Is it possible to really become *that* rich without compromising your integrity and ethics? The people who are really rich in this world, they aren't working professionals. They don't work for a salary, rather, they are the ones who give out salaries. They dip from much larger sources of income, in that the total production of the entire company is on some level available to them.

Consulting companies are great. They basically do their "work" by assigning qualified individuals to qualified clients, and then taking a healthy cut out of the money then paid for services. Is the owner repaid for his vision? And then some? I mean that's the fundamental principle of a capitalistic system, without even having to delve into Marxist theories. A business survives and makes money due largely in part, that the workers produce more value than they cost. And that surplus kicks back all the way to the top. You get to the top, because other people do the work for you.

I suppose that's sorta what bothers me, that "fair" assignment of value to work. Does the business owner work any harder than the factory workers? Why is he personally entitled to so much more money? I suppose its a little less nonsensical than loaning money. I know there's a risk issue, but strictly speaking, what does a person that loans money really do?

I suppose I'm screaming into the wind, but oh well.

[ esca | 3:38 PM | ]

 

Nine wrote an interesting blog, but it seemed to carry a female tone to it. I figured, I could toss in my two cents as a guy.

Guys don't forget, well, maybe details, but not experiences. If something particularly memorable happens to a guy, he'll remember it forever. A guy can hold a grudge for a long time. In fact if you look at any guy and look closely at the basis for some of his actions, you'll find that a lot of things that we do stem from something that has happened in the past. Superstition, basing entire intricate plans of actions due to some past occurrences. Designing failsafe craps systems, betting on hunches, dating girls that "look" like someone they once cared for. Its because we don't forget...we can't.

Men are the ones that are sent off to war, men are the ones that are asked to go head on into danger, and perhaps it is an evolutionary trait. Any real father knows that if the worst should come about, the he would gladly be the first to die to protect his family. Who's the most expendable element in a family? Its not the kids, its beyond a doubt not the mother...but the man. Deep down inside, every guy knows this too, and maybe it ripples throughout the proverbial male fear of commitment. Being a father, is more than the act of conceiving, but a mind set, a passing of the torch so to speak. Not all males that conceive children are fathers, however, especially with the way things work today.

While as a women's maternal instinct inspires her to care and love, a man's paternal instinct inspires him to be not only protective and hence controlling, but also to be solitary and thrill seeking. To seek the danger and immerse in it knee deep, drawing its attention away from his family at a safe distance.

That's why young men need to sow their wild oats and to seek thrills and chase the stars. They need to add to their repertoire of skills to draw from magically when needed. The archetypical father is not only the kind and gentle father, but the vengeful and dastardly one as well. The gentle giant image, the power to love and the power to crush. The Clark Kent in times of peace and the Lex Luther in times of war. That's why every girls wants the "bad" guy with the hint of good inside. She wants to stretch that thin sheath of goodness around him so he looks presentable on the outside, but ready to burst out of his shell when she needs it. The truth of the matter is, the clean cut nicely ordered man, would make a horrible father. It takes savvy to raise kids, and to protect them. You have to know how not to get walked on and all over.

For a man's entire life is a beat down. His every waking moment is a struggle. Men forget how to cry because after a certain age, no one answers our tears, and no one heeds our pain. No one applauds our deeds, no one reinforces our actions. What does a guy say to a friend with a broken heart? Hey dude, sorry, tough luck, wanna go ball?

Guys will suffer ten times more rejection than women ever will. There are positive incentives to be emotionally cold, or even to have the ability to flip on and off our feelings. It helps to deal with the ever present coldness that is our very lives. As guys, we have to cut our losses and bail when we feel like the odds are not to our liking or the prize not what we expected, because our pot continuously dwindles. There is no selective amnesia that gives us a magical refill, we don't collect 200 dollars if we pass Go. A guy in a relationship is a burning flame that slowly flickers. A mature guy is not one who has come to some life changing realization, or some large epiphany, merely one who's candle has nearly burned to the wick. He has become well trained and conditioned, ready to obey the rules of the world around him. He is no longer a seeker, he is no longer a chaser, he's merely a shadow of what he once was.

[ esca | 3:04 PM | ]

 

I don't feel so good...




...but its not for you to know

[ esca | 8:03 PM | ]

 

S.G.S - an analysis

While I've talked before at great lengths about what I call the "pretty girl syndrome", I've realized that there is definitely a "smart girl syndrome." The smart girl syndrome actually happens more with asian girls because of the unique nature of asian upbringing. Mostly, asian parents tend to value "intellect" or superficial forms of intellect in kids and push the need to excel in intellectual matters from an early age onwards. More so for guys, which causes them to develop complexes about intelligence. What one of the easiest ways to make an asian guy feel inadequate? Comment about his height? Good start. Comment his jock qualities or lack thereof? Getting warm. Comment about his lack of intelligence? Blammo!

More so than in any other culture, asian males can still win that parental approval even if they are a horrible person but excel in school, and likewise, excel in many other categories and fields but lack academic success and still feel like a failure in front of their parents. My father went to the same school as Ang Lee, and his father was actually the school headmaster. When Ang Lee dropped out of school due to poor grades and also a desire to pursue the arts and film, his father decried him a failure and felt nothing but shame. Of course Ang Lee is now a world renowned director, but that's beside the point. Asian parents will continue to put all their eggs in one basket and continue to develop lopsided one-dimensional children.

I've noticed the same applies for girls, although it is more of a holdover from differing standards. I can remember a scene at New Years at a restaurant very pointedly to this day, when a lot of the kids were seated at a table together. I remember sitting there with George and Grace, and the parents would do this rotation to talk to the kids. I had recently got into dartmouth, and of course my mother was doing her very best to remind everyone of this fact, so the parents would come around and tell me how smart and intelligent I was. Honestly, this made me feel very good, and despite all attempts to realize what a sham the whole thing was, I still couldn't budge from that wonderful seat of praise. There were other males as well although younger, and they also received comments on how smart they were. Meanwhile, to George and Grace, those very same parents told them how pretty and woman-like they were. Repeatedly, different faces, eerily echoing words. I remember feeling somewhat perturbed and wanting to say something, but not really knowing how to comment. Conservative asian thought is that guys should be smart and girls should be pretty.

So what happens to the smart asian girls? I've noticed this also mostly happens when the eldest in the family is a girl, and there is a parental desire to place the burdens and expectations of success(read intelligence) on her. Its a standard that derives from love but carries an unbalanced weight into her personal development. In her path to win parental approval, she must excel, but at the same time end up alienating her socially from the rest of the world. Because more than anything, males in general and in particular asian males, have issues with intelligent girls. They are intimidating. They are powerful. They remind you of those cobwebbed areas in your subconscious that have been force fed since childhood. A girl who is "smarter" than you, means that she has the ability to destroy that warm and fuzzy image of yourself that exists in the eyes of your parents, and whether or not its something that makes "logical rational sense" in this world, its just something that is. Something that unfortunately exists in the psyche of the fragile male ego. I suppose it is on a similar vein as calling a girl fat, a sensitive area that carries a disproportionate amount of weight on self judgment. Another way to understand might be just to realize that things which have been force fed by parents for the entire developmental phases of one's life carry at least some weight in a person's mind whether we agree, and whether we want it to or not. Changes are possible, but there's a fine line between milking, and whipping the cow. So girls that are forced to excel are basically being punished for what they have been taught to do to gain parental affection.

Also I've noticed if that girl has a younger brother, it makes the problem ten times worse. Especially if the parents appear to shift paradigms, and start to place the burdens of "intelligence" on the younger brother and try going back to the "oh you're so pretty" method with the girl.

They say asian upbringing is "better," but I think it just makes for a whole lot of confused young adults.

[ esca | 10:47 AM | ]

 

Abstract Thoughts and Objective Perspectives

The scene that stands before me is that of a crowded bench table in a korean restaurant min sok chon. Its a graduating class of 4th year med students, mostly korean guys, plus non med students myself and jenta. This was a novel experience. Once again jenta is out spending time in a group of guys she barely knows, so I get to keep her company.

Some of the more interesting things of note. One guy, and I'll term him as arrogant korean male, because he exemplifies the sort, shows off by chugging a whole bottle of soju. While impressive in some respects, stupid also comes to mind. After he finishes, he comments on how the rest the group are pricks for making him break his lent. Um no, nobody made you, and now there's no more soju left for the rest of us...

This AKM, also was trying to get jenta to drink despite the fact she told him that she had to be in a lab for work at 7 the next day. This led to him saying how he's been in operating rooms drunk before and had friends that do plastic surgery while drunk "all the time." Therefore, if he could do it, there wasn't any excuse for jen not to drink. Um yeah. He also mentioned how dull it was in san diego and how he felt sorry for us. Was also making snide comments about vietnamese people until he realized that jen was vietnamese. Some people really ought to do the world a favor and take themselves out of the gene pool.

The rest of the guys took turns hitting on jen and showering her with various compliments. One of them I thought was hilarious, as she was lighting cigarettes for people, a few them said how classy she was, and how nice her lighter was. Actually, that made me feel pretty good, because I gave her that lighter as a present a while back. Jen did put on a show for them by signing some korean songs for them. Very interesting.

In all, it makes me question sometimes, how transparent people and namely guys can get in front of girls. But then again, I'm sure I'm the same, so I won't be calling the kettle black here. Its still funny nevertheless.

[ esca | 12:38 PM | ]

 

Bouncers, Tacos, and Cigarettes...yeah, they are related

I went to go look at some candles at the request of jenta last night. She was calling me saying how she found another glass set that would be perfect for my place and if I wanted to come down and take a look. Sorta random but nice, not that we aren't close, but we don't really have the time to hang out quite as much as we once did. Enough out of the blue for me to think in my head, hmmm want does she want from me now...

Not that I'd refuse any of her requests, but yeah, directness is good. She was actually shopping for a birthday present for this bouncer named Carlos. Haha long story. Basically, she was at D&Bs one time when this guy Carlos was working the shift, and he hooked her up with a lot of free stuff. When she wants to, she can make those baby eyes and bat her lashes and have the guys line up to do favors for her. She gets a weird array of free random stuff...mostly promotional, but definitely cool.

I think its because she never explicitly asks for anything, and waits for the guy to make an offer. She does hint though, with ample hot and cold signs. She gives off the impression that she's used to getting stuff from guys, so you gotta be on your best game there.

Anyways, its a "weird" friendship that they have in that this guy is constantly is hooking her up when we go to D&B's, enough that I think she feels badly about it. I mean, in the sense that he's basically giving her perks of his job, I don't feel its that big of a deal. The guy gives her free credits from which he gets some amount every month. This guy knows she has a boyfriend, but I'm personally wondering if he doesn't really "know," or maybe just chooses to ignore that fact.

Anyways, the guy is hanging out tonight at PB&G and jen doesn't want to go alone, so I get to go have tacos on taco tuesday. Fun stuff.

On the way home I stopped by a shell station to pick up some cigarettes. I'm currently in a half smoking/non smoking state, aided and detracted by my lingering cold. I feel so decidedly bipolar about smoking. Sometimes I can't get over how inane the whole thing is, and I'm very conscious of how smelly and grimy it makes you feel. Plus, there's always the strange feeling of needing to go take a dump right away. And the palms of your hands get balmy and sweaty. Other times, I'm just dying for it, and I need it to calm me down. Plus, I've always fancied I looked like a bad ass while stoging.

So anyways, was mentally debating getting another pack, as I had gone about a week without being in possession of one. Figured if I'm going to be keeping jen company in the midst of strangers, might as well get one so we could share. Turns out there was a sale on Parliaments...not bad, as saving money is good. Then the lady at the counter, who seemed to be a very motherly type and asian as well, asked if I wanted to get a free pack, as there was a promotional deal. Sure why not. She then grabbed the bundled package which looked like three packs and told me my total was eight dollars something. I guess even tobacco companies need to get cheap on us, as you had to buy two to get one free. Which, if isn't a mixed stroke of bad luck, as I now have 3 packs of readily available cigarettes to tempt me. Oh boy.

The lady saw the look on my face, and said very politely, "Sorry for making you smoke so much." Yeah, I am too.

[ esca | 4:51 PM | ]