Aftermath

The Comanche RAH 66 helicopter project has been cancelled, some speculation might say as part of a dramatic highly visible move. Much like a melodramatic person might make a big scene in a crowded restaurant, so will presidents make big moves in an election year, what better way to show the public that one is cost conscious and not a war monger on defense? Cut Comanche and "paper" save 10 billion dollars in future costs(despite an already 8 billion dollar investment) which also happens to be one of the last contracts of the previous administration, or Clinton. The type of move when you take over a new position and you eventually fire all the old staff members.

What can I say? Surreal. While trying to find support from my friends I get various responses, questions about my job security(I'm safe), questions about my morale(I'm bummed), questions about where to go from now(is it too late to join a traveling circus?). Someone even got mad at me, wondering what I was doing in the first place working on military projects. My answer to that would be that the money is good, the job is stable, and the concepts are intellectually stimulating. I try not to think about anything else.

I remember showing up at work monday, and hearing the whispers and the rumors abound. We've been cancelled...nervous tense laughter, ok I guess I'm going home now. Fire the leads, save yourselves!

We now await official orders to come down from upon high and through the chain of command. Till then, work as if nothing has happened. I feel like my nation has been conquered and the enemy is parading through the capital. All while stuck in some foxhole on a far reaching post. Surrender? Run?

I've been on this project for almost 3 years now, and it has somehow formed as the one constant of my life. When things don't go well for me personally, I've been able to retreat into my work-like catatonic state. I suppose it would be hard to show, but this project has become like my baby, and I've let a steady trickle of my life flow into those unyielding lines of code.

Is it all in vain?

3 freaking years. I suppose I'm young enough that three years isn't some meaningless number, it's like a college era, or a high school era, a phase of my life that spanned a real amount of time. And that time is now coming to an end.

I feeling like I've been leaning against a wall to support myself against everything else that is feeble and temporary. Against the one thing I never suspected would leave me. I feel…*abandoned*

I dunno...I'm in a weird state.

[ esca | 6:44 PM | ]

 

Communications

I was watching Castaway on TV, and the whole movie is kinda interesting, and I feel as if Tom Hanks didn't star in the movie nobody would watch it. Its kinda weird, even by my standards. A lot of the movie focuses on Tom Hanks just talking to himself(or a volleyball). And Tom Hanks is supposed to be the "everyman" or his roles are. He plays character that masses upon masses can empathize and relate to.

Even single sided monologues? Well, crazy people talk to themselves right, or maybe lonely people. Not the masses. At least not in front of other people.

But do people in general talk to themselves if say they are alone? Apart from others? Is that ok?

Do you think to yourself? I sure hope so. That's ok right? I mean, I at least carry on conversations with myself in my head. Actually, sometimes if I'm on a really in depth and heated vein of thought, sometimes I end up speaking my thoughts out loud. Its a little embarrassing yes, when sometimes I just blurt out what appears to be random words when people are around me. But most of the time, people are polite enough not to take notice. ^_^

And what is blogging besides a type of one-sided communication? I mean, I suppose you hope that someone is out on the other side reading, but you can never know. Who is the target of your writing? Is it to oneself? Is it to one's readers? To whom does the blogger speak to?

And, does a time lapse between the moment of spoken/written/blogged thought and when it actually enters the mind of another human mind, what is that? Are you communicating still? Is communication then not time dependent? Can you communicate with dead people...by reading books of long passed authors? Can we communicate with people in the future this way too?

Is it possible to share a moment of communication with someone you never meet?

[ esca | 1:51 AM | ]

 

blah

I have to say that I'm a pretty realistic person, most of the time. Or rather, I'm usually not surprised by things that happen. To expand, I can often envision things occurring before they actually do. It doesn't mean I'm clairvoyant or I am a good predictor of events, more that I'm obsessive enough to think through most possibilities.

For example, it's like the academy award winners, how everyone always acts "surprised" when they win, but have their "thank you I rule" speech somehow at their finger tips. We all know the truth which is that 99.99% of all nominees write or plan out their acceptance speech weeks in an advance. Just in case. Me, I'd have all the speeches planned out already, the winner speech, the runner up speech, the happy with my position but not expecting anything speech, the I got so robbed speech, the winner slept with the producer speech...etc etc. Just in case. Not a written speech necessarily...but at least a mental outline with a dedicated main thesis. Maybe the winner speech, I always write the winner speech. For kicks.

So when it comes to just things happening either to myself or people I know in general, in my spare time, I just think through most of the possibilities. Is this time consuming? Sometimes. Is this interesting? Sure. Is this obsessive? Quite possibly.

To relate another example, in my younger days, I was a big fan of the choose your own adventure book series. I loved them. Its one of those books that every few pages it gave you a choice, if you want to take the left fork in the road, turn to page 89. Or take the right fork, turn to page 43. My objective would be, to figure out every single possible ending. Figuring out every single possible ending seems to give my mind a sense of peace. I think, not knowing, makes me quiver down deep to the very bones.

Or perhaps it gives me this personal sense of control. As if knowing what might happen makes the passing of events easier. Time to prepare oneself, so to speak, if the upcoming surge is the surge to end all surges. While as most people, if say were to fall face forward off a cliff might shut their eyes on their way down, I'd want my eyes wide open until the very end.

[ esca | 12:57 PM | ]

 

Work stuff

Whenever anyone asks what I've been up to lately, I always struggle to find a response. Because usually when people ask, they mean outside of work. It hard for me to remember what happens to me outside of work sometimes, as in some coherent fashion. I feel like talking about work is just a general no no. Well, work is just more eventful for me then my out of work time as of late.

But work is cool right now. Sometimes, interesting stuff happens and work feels like a real life. There's the gossip, there's the intrigue, there's that someone that you try to sneak a glimpse of as they walk around. There are the fights and the heated discussions, they is the us vs them battles and the feel good stories and the people that make you sick.

Exciting things can happen, like getting the new operating system that finally supports the large messages you're looking for and the boss gives the keys to the six figure equipment and tells you to break it in. Or when you're finally given the green light to shift from the decrepit 3.0.3 compiler to the swanky sleek 4.0.8. Stick a fork in me, 'cuz i'm done!

Unfortunately I can't really share this with too many people. I can either skimp out on the details and feel as if I'm giving a generic story, or go straight into the thick of things and confuse the shit out of people. Not that its hard to understand what I'm doing, but it requires familiarity. Its basically like talking about people that your other friends have never met and don't know.

So yeah, I work, enough that's its basically my major identity now. Which isn't that great of a thing, as you'll end up rising and falling with work. And you can't really control work. I've realized that with my work, I'm not all consuming busy, but I'm busy enough. Any job when you regularly work past 6 and 7, doesn't mean you don't have free time. But the time outside of work really becomes idle time, or wasted time. Its hard to schedules things, its hard to meet up with friends, its hard to do much besides go home, slip into pj's and contemplate little stuff like going to the gym. It becomes "time to kill" time, "in between" time, that filler between tuesday work and wednesday work, where in memory it forms into a seamless sequence.

…all i could remember was sitting at my cube, and when I open my eyes again, there I was...

[ esca | 1:01 AM | ]