I can’t sleep so I’m blogging. I think I’ve reached some type of minor epiphany in my life. I’m starting to restrict myself less and less. As a result, I’ve grown a new tendency to babble, but with that babbling a strange feeling of contentness and peace.

Something bad has happened to me at work. Not only that, I missed out on a major role that I had in my scheming and planning attempted to acquire. Yet I’m strangely at peace. I’m blathering and perhaps being insubordinate, but damnit I’m speaking my mind.

Oh and I spent a refreshing weekend with my cousin Scott. I’ve decided, I want to finally learn more Chinese and learn more of my true culture, the lowballing the bs and the shadiness. Everything.

On another topic, I’ve wonder more about the topic of settling. Is settling bad? I can help but feel that this is also just a question of perception. After all, rare is it so much that we get to do what we want. Or rare is it that what we desire most comes to us. Unless we are just superhuman, or we just aim really low.

I was once with someone who I still care for a lot today. Sometimes we would in a teasing way, mention that we were only with each other because, we couldn’t do better. That we were settling for each other. Or that, we were merely practicing relationships with each other. Yes, guilt and side games was a regular part of this wonderful relationship. I’m not being cheeky or stupid, it was wonderful. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

I don’t know where I’m going, I guess I’m tired of putting up walls around me, especially locking away doors that even I don’t know about. Bad memories, embarrassing moments, lesser reputable feelings. Hidden away and not thought/spoken of.

Time for bed.

[ esca | 2:16 AM | ]

 

Have you ever been knifed? Knifed in the back perhaps from someone you thought was a friend? I suppose that’s over, the friend part that is. At this point in time, I am professionally unable to ever make contact again, wasn’t my pick but wait, actually it is. I don't have a say in the matter, but I think I'm pretty ok with it. I’m just a little bit stunned because I never saw it coming. Corporate America can be a little rough but it isn’t as bad as the rumors. I think some people take to watching TV just a little too much. It’s not some elimination game where the goal is to be the last person standing. There are many many years before retirement and a good reason why you don’t piss in your drinking water.

Here’s a little secret my friend. Everyone likes to talk about drama. Everyone likes to hear about drama. But nobody actually likes to deal with it. Because real life drama is messy and ugly and painful. And from the corporate angle, costly. These are what we call, No’s.

You want drama to happen to the person next to you, so you can hear about. And that’s about it. Please sell crazy next door, we’re already full here.

-pause-

Perhaps there’s an angle here that I don’t see. Why would someone try to take me down? Is this a test of how well I can handle PR and handle scandals? Is someone else not on my mind trying to move past me? Who knows, and I guess who really cares. You’re no longer a person, just an obstacle to me now. Just a freaking obstacle.

-reprieve-

I shall not be paranoid, but careful. I shall not be angry, but thoughtful. I shall not forget, but forgive. Since I suppose, it doesn’t really matter.

Because you know what, as knives go, pretty flimsy. Barely a flesh wound. My fate and punishment has already been signed and sealed with i’s dotted and the t’s crossed.

And everyone knows, that scars are sexy.

[ esca | 1:46 AM | ]

 

If Numbers Could Speak.


If people don’t already know, I am a programmer. One of the things that a programmer does, is code(hehe) with the help of a compiler(parser lexer assembler), and coding is basically the conversion of human language into machine language. A code really is just a writer that changes human commands into machine commands. We translate English language (When the user presses the stop button, stop the machine) to C Language (if (action_type == STOP) shutdown();) to Machine Language (01010111010011010010111010100010 01010111011011010010111010100010 01010111010011010010111010100010 01010111010011010010101010100010 01001111101001011101010010100010)

Memory for computers is always in binary, and just as a human visual mnemonic for representation, it is often display in hexadecimal, base 16. Hexadecimal works just like our normal base 10 number system, except there are 16 unique "numbers" and whenever you add a digit, you multiply your total by 16.

The unique numbers for hex are,
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F

Where am I going with this? I swear I’m not trying to be boring. For the code that I was working on this morning, I had to write and read from computer memory, and my program was crashing and burning and giving these weird weird errors. So I decided to look up in memory what was going on.

And sure enough I was doing something illegal, and what I saw in memory was this over and over again.

0x00C0FFEE

I think that’s the computer is telling me to get lost and go get some coffee. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Believe it or not, this is very humorous. In a weird sardonic way. 0xC0FFEE is equivalent in base 10 to 12648430, and yes I used a calculator.

-side edit- this is not true for all machines or all processors, but this is true for some Texas Instrument processors, I don’t believe I’m allowed to say specifically which processor. I had a coworker get suspended for blogging work related specifics, and I’m vaguely paranoid. But yes, them texas boys(and girls, but to be realistic I’m expecting around a 71% chance boys) have a sense of humor.

Corollary thought.

Western civ has always been on a numerical base 10, as in we have 10 unique "numbers" and every time we bump up a digit, we multiply by ten. In my opinion, this is pretty random why we started with 10, instead of 11 or 9. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s because human beings have 10 fingers and we started counting that way. It’s just on some levels numerically inefficient to do math in base 10. Computers for instance, are always base 2.

I know exactly what’s running through your minds, you’re saying, but Victor, if we switch from cumbersome and weighty base 10 into another more logically intuitive numeric base that simplifies mathematical operations, how would we still be able to have such pretty numbers like 100, or 1000 that we’re used to thinking about?

But you see, it's not as if 100 really means anything special, it's not a pattern that repeats in nature and tells us how many days are in a rainy season, or what the average number of geese that make up a flock. And don't say it's related to money and the dollar bill, or the number of millimeters, because those are just numbers that derive from our base 10 number system and could easily be replaced.

For programmers, the special numbers that we get used to seeing are 256 or 512, and we could just as easily put Lincoln on the 256 dollar bill or Franklin on the 512 dollar bill. That would work right, consider it a promotion and an upgrade. It's still a benjamin.

If we were a base 2 society, gamblers would know how to double up in a flash. Just gimme another digit baby!! And afterwards, we could recant *insert drunken slur*”How much did you lose in vegas? Damn I lost 10 digits man...blows. No shit, I lost 11, that's more twice the amount you did! The math was so easy!” (BTW, that's the difference between losing 500 dollars and 1000 dollars)

Starting to get weird thought

And since we’re on the topic of language reform, why stop at numbers? Let’s go for the whole shebang. If we think about all the damn grammar rules in english, like i before e except after c, except for weird which is kinda weird huh??? Think about all the hours we spent conjugating instead of copulating and mastering imperatives instead of expletives. Foreign and domestic languages included.

So what is the "easiest" language to learn? I used to have a lot of nationalistic Korean friends that tried to assert that their languages was the easiest to learn. I thought about how cute Korean girls are and found myself agreeing. Oops, I didn’t say that, it’s going to show off how shallow I am. Anyways, I bet if you got a bunch of linguistics experts in a room, they could probably define some superset language that would be both aesthetically pleasing and well structured. Ah so beautiful.

Off the deep end thought

I feel self-conscious about if our society ever reaches the stars or meets some alien race and they take a look at us and say, *insert french sounding accent* "Your language of words and numbers is how you say, disgustingly inefficient. It is little wonder that your high school drop out rates are astronomical. We point our snooty nose equivalents into the sky away from you backwards backwards peoples."

Definitely delirious thought

I’ve decided, I’m going to start my own utopian society, where we rewrite all the rules of society. We will spend no less than 5 hrs each day contemplating the intricate mysteries of the world, like is a baker’s dozen really a dozen? Who collects all the money they throw into the fountain? Does the US government actually have a budgetary plan to account for all the pennies that run themselves out of circulation and the adjusted affect that it has on inflation rates? No males are allowed but females are welcome. Preferably those that idolize and adore me and are very attractive. Ah…that would be so awesome.

[ esca | 1:09 PM | ]

 

I've been watching VH-1's celebreality Strange Love series, with ex-vixen Briggette nelson(I loved Red Sonja!) and Pub Enemy Flavor Flav. I’m hooked. They are such an oddball couple and it doesn’t seem to appear that they have any commonality. But I think they connect because they both feel so detached from everything. I can’t help but root for them. Go VH-1!

[ esca | 1:31 PM | ]

 

Over the last weekend, I had probably the worst basketball experiences in my life. Usually, a bunch of our friends play basketball at one of the local middle schools, meadowbrook. Why a middle school? Not sure, because it has a nice gym and is open till 9:30. I guess we just got used to meeting up there.

Anyways, so what happened on sunday whenwe were running a 5v5 full court game, there was this small little girl playing. She wasn't a girl, as she probably looked like she was in her mid twenties at least, but she was about 5 feet tall or shorter. Tiny.

So since I was the smallest person on my team, she ended up guarding me. So the first possession that I have the ball, I dribble past her, and as I run past her, she grabs onto my shirt and pulls at me. At first I was a little suprised and I guess it was a little bit funny/cute in a way. She ended up doing that to a lot of people, which involved blatantly fouling others, with a lot of pushing and shoving. I guess it was not that big of a deal at first, and whenever someone would comment or look at her, she would say out loud, "hey, that's what I got to do." So we all just let it slide.

But eventually it got to be extremely annoying as the game progressed. You couldn't really push back, because you don't want to hit a girl or push a girl, but then in the meantime, you're simply absorbing this random punishment. I started to get more and more pissed and then someone else happened to foul me(a guy) to which I ended up retaliating by hitting him back.

I just ended up really upset and not quite too sure what to do. I felt like I was a dog that had been repeatedly punched in the head and was now frothing at the mouth. Just looking for the slightest excuse to pick a fight over anything. I was so angry to the point that I just was cussing out random people and could even visualize myself snapping and doing something outrageous to show how pissed I was. And all because of this little girl that was playing around.

[ esca | 1:37 AM | ]

 

They say nice guys finish last, and I think I’m beginning to see the truth to that. Well, I mean, I still believe that people with deep down genuine hearts end up in good situations and with people that care for them, but I think the term “nice” and the surface level “niceness” actually are bad traits to have. I guess what I mean are the people who are generically nice to other people. The, hi how are you, would you like a freshly baked cookie I made? type of person, male or female.

I find that nowadays, I avoid these people like the plague. Nice people like this are much like solicitors or junk mail, initiating niceness that screams hidden strings attached. You can tell because these people try to "push" their niceness upon you. You know you've made the right decision when they appear slightly "offended" by declining. I suppose a truly nice person wouldn't care either way, in fact, you're probably saving them some trouble.

I have trouble saying no as is to people. I have an even greater difficulty saying no to friends and to people I like. And there's nothing worse then agreeing or saying yes to things you don't want to deal with. That's how you get dragged to shows or exhibitions that inspire the deep recesses of sleep from within. That's how you spend hours after work listening to some idiot joker trying to sell you life insurance or mortgage refinancing. I find now if I meet someone who seems overly nice in that way, I try to disentangle myself as quickly as possible or buffer myself with other people. I'm sure in someway this is a sign of anti-social behavior, but I'm already committed to the course.

But in terms of friends, I'm sure we all have or might have possibly been at one time, that super nice person. I'm also sure we all have or might have possibly been, the smart aleck wise guy. Just in terms of the social dynamic involved, I find in the long run, I like/want to deal with smart aleck, even if he/she has ass like tendencies. Why? Because it's really easy to tell this person to fuck off, and we all need to say that once in a while. If someone is being an ass to you, then it's easier to be an ass back at them. I find with my "meaner" friends, I still do a lot of good things for them, and to be honest, I'm sometimes spitefully mean to them as well. But the things that I do for them, usually stem from inside out, as in I don't feel very much obligation to go out of the way to accommodate them. There's less of the fluff and superficial pleasantries that no one really cares about anyways. I guess if it's a true friendship, you could call them out and critique them and bash in their faces without it being taken the wrong way. Where wrong way is just pointlessly mean, and the right way is mean with a purpose. With my nicer friends, when I stop to think about it, I end up doing a lot of different things for them, just because I suppose that's the dynamic we share.

But then again, I suppose on the receiving end, I get a lot more in general from my nice friends. I also get a lot more heartache from my mean friends. Hmm, so maybe all this postulating is for naught. I guess it depends if you consider yourself more of a giver or a receiver.

Note that there is a strong difference between mean and rude, and nice and polite. Rude is just bad, and polite is classy. A polite friend for instance, when they have a strong opinion on a decision, will let their feelings be known, but also inquire about other people's feelings or opinions. An overly nice friend might say something like, well only if no one else wants to do something, I would like to do this. This is bad because it obscures the person's true feelings, and also places this burden and onus of denial on their other friends. People become reluctant to voice a contrary opinion because that their own opinion will dislodge the wishes of their nice friend. Especially if that nice friend has a tendency to sulk as well. Another example of the overly nice friend, is they might say something like, I don't really care, I want to do what you want. And then begin to build this overwhelming "credit" of times when they have let you have it your way and every once in a while hint at some large debt of favors during future decision making ventures.

The best way to summarize, is that overly nice people traffic in guilt and obligation to finally achieve what they want. I think it's better for everyone if they just come out guns a blazing and fight for what they desire and accept the fact that the only way to truly get what you want all the time is be alone all the time. I mean sometimes in groups, saying straight out what you want means getting shot down. Sometimes legitimately, and sometimes out of spite or politics or compromise. So what. That's the way it works in groups. Despite the fact that human beings are just sheep on many levels, there is still that inherent maverick inside us all. The more people you add to a group, the more mixing and more compromise is necessary.

[ esca | 1:26 AM | ]

 

Don't you hate it when you're walking down some hallway, and there's a person in front of you who holds open the door? In most cases, it's simple politeness except when that person is far enough in front that they end up waiting while holding the door. So, as to not be rude you end up running and speeding up to make it through. It's an unsavory feeling, as it's just more trouble for everyone.

[ esca | 1:49 PM | ]

 

20-17.

My heart has deflated...

[ esca | 9:05 PM | ]

 

It's the new year, 2005, and tomorrow is a start of a new work year as well. I don't want to go back to work, it was so great achieving 0% productivity for the last week or so. Maybe I'll take this week off too and go to mammoth. That would be so responsible. Yes.

2005 is my quarter century year. Not till much later, so I'll have a lot of time during the upcoming year to fashion a suitable adventure to wrap around my quarter-life crisis. Unlike so many of my already "elder" friends who have shrugged off the big 25 with little reprieve, I intend to have a full-blown mental breakdown and spring forth tears and regrets of all the things that I have yet to cross off to-do lists and all the gaps and holes that are missing in my life.

I'm kidding. Well, half-kidding.

As for my new year's resolution, I have just one. To be more open and honest about myself, to myself. Not that I lie to myself or anything, but I've realized that I like to spin things a little too much. Like PR spin and whatnot. As in, I have this tendency to get on my high horse and when I fuck up pretty badly, I'll talk myself into thinking things are ok and peachy. So, I'm ready to let the growing process begin. Onto to 25!

Cheers.
-V

[ esca | 9:13 PM | ]